|
Post by Master Psychic on Mar 2, 2014 20:49:13 GMT
In the next day, we cut to a police station. A car stops in front of the police station. The man who gets out of the car is called Harpa. Harpa sighs and enters in the building, ready for a new boring day in the police station. He enters in the office and there are many people in the room and they are police officers. Some of these officers are his friends and their names are Bio, TKA, Rock, Michael, Guy, MP and Brotato. Harpa sits next to TKA who is playing Minecraft on the computer. "Good morning Harp." TKA responded to Harp.
"Hi. You know, you will get in trouble if the chief catches you playing Minecraft" Harpa responded. TKA turns to Harpa
"Look, just five more minutes and I will turn off the game." TKA responded. Harp turns to Michael.
"Hey Mike, any important cases?" Harp asked Michael.
"No, nothing." Michael answered his question.
"Goddamnit. This is so fucking boring." Harp looks at his other colleagues. Bio and MP are eating donuts, Guy is reading a book, Rock is sleeping on the desk and Brotato is watching something on Youtube. Harpa sighs.
"Is the chief even going to show up?" Harpa asked his friends.
"I'm sure we will get a new case and it will be important." MP responded
"Like what? Catching some drug dealers? That's old as fuck." Harpa responded The chief enters in the room and the chief is Darth Marsden.
"Everybody, I have some horrible news to share with all of you." Darth said it to everybody.
"What is it, chief?" Bio asked Darth.
"Sixty people died yesterday." Darth said it and everybody looks shocked.
"Sixty?!" Michael asked with shock and fear in his voice.
"Is this true?!" Rock asked the chief.
"I'm not lying. But, we found some strange messages next to the victims and the messages are "I am Kira"." Darth responded. Harpa looks at Darth.
"Who the fuck is Kira? And how did he kill these people?" Harp asked Darth.
"I don't know who he/she is and I don't know how he managed to kill so many people." Darth responded to Harpa's question.
"Did Kira kill them with weapons?" TKA asked Darth.
"Well, I found out that they all had heart attacks and they died." Darth responded to TKA's question.
"But how?! How the fuck did this "Kira" manage to do this?!" MP asked Darth with fear in his voice.
"Unfortnately, I don't know the answer, MP. I don't know if this Kira is a human or something much worse." Darth responded to MP.
"So, what are we going to do?" Harpa asked Darth.
"Well, I guess we will need the help of someone who can help us." Darth responded.
"Who?" Guy asked Darth.
"I believe his name is... "I"." Darth responded.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2014 20:52:45 GMT
They're jumping to some strange conclusions. The police would think of this as a phenomenon and look into it further, thinking that it was possibly a cult of some sort, and then they would likely investigate their loved ones. Also, could you please put extra spaces in line breaks, so it looks like this:
One more thing, could you please put this in past tense? It's awkward to read in present tense.
|
|
|
Post by Master Psychic on Mar 2, 2014 20:54:35 GMT
They're jumping to some strange conclusions. The police would think of this as a phenomenon and look into it further, thinking that it was possibly a cult of some sort, and then they would likely investigate their loved ones. Also, could you please put extra spaces in line breaks, so it looks like this: One more thing, could you please put this in past tense? It's awkward to read in present tense. Ok.
|
|
|
Post by wakemeup on Mar 2, 2014 20:56:37 GMT
One more thing, could you please put this in past tense? It's awkward to read in present tense. Dammit, I didn't even realise it wasn't in past tense. Thanks, now it's gonna bug me all the time, unless MP will change it.
|
|
|
Post by Teacakes on Mar 2, 2014 20:58:54 GMT
I'm playing Minecraft! YES!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2014 20:59:37 GMT
Also, put in some more adjectives, please, so we get a better idea of what's going on. Also, why would people be shocked by 60 deaths? Hundreds, no, thousands die every day. So here's what it would ideally look like:
|
|
|
Post by Master Psychic on Mar 2, 2014 20:59:42 GMT
One more thing, could you please put this in past tense? It's awkward to read in present tense. Dammit, I didn't even realise it wasn't in past tense. Thanks, now it's gonna bug me all the time, unless MP will change it. Fixed.
|
|
|
Post by Master Psychic on Mar 2, 2014 21:00:57 GMT
Also, put in some more adjectives, please, so we get a better idea of what's going on. Also, why would people be shocked by 60 deaths? Hundreds, no, thousands die every day. So here's what it would ideally look like: Look, I will try to get better.
|
|
|
Post by Rock114 on Mar 2, 2014 21:02:40 GMT
Also, put in some more adjectives, please, so we get a better idea of what's going on. Also, why would people be shocked by 60 deaths? Hundreds, no, thousands die every day. So here's what it would ideally look like: Wow. That's exactly what I'd say, too.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2014 21:02:53 GMT
Yeah, and I'm trying to help you for part two. I'm telling you what needs to be improved.
|
|
|
Post by wakemeup on Mar 2, 2014 21:04:22 GMT
Dammit, I didn't even realise it wasn't in past tense. Thanks, now it's gonna bug me all the time, unless MP will change it. Fixed. Thanks. As Harp said, more adjectives would be nice. I don't have other suggestions.
|
|
|
Post by Master Psychic on Mar 2, 2014 21:06:46 GMT
Ok, I will continue tomorrow and see if some other forum users want to join.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2014 21:07:01 GMT
You know, MP, if you send drafts to me, I could edit them for you. And maybe I could help with the story, too, if you like.
|
|
|
Post by Teacakes on Mar 2, 2014 21:07:39 GMT
That's so nice of you, Harp.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2014 21:08:42 GMT
Also, that's pretty light, even for the first day, Brotato had us already scavenging for supplies and people dying right from the start. Here, we get us fucking around before being told about something strange.
|
|