Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2014 4:15:38 GMT
A girl named bob leaves a party on Amity Island and goes skinny dipping. While swimming out near a buoy, she is seized by something from below; it thrashes her around and drags her down.
bob is reported missing and her remains are later found on the beach by the Deputy of police chief dr.ass. The medical examiner informs ass that she was killed by a shark. ass plans to close the beaches but is overruled by mayor tits, who fears that reports of a shark attack will ruin the summer tourist/super orgy season, the town's primary source of income and virginity loss. The medical examiner consequently attributes the death to a boating accident. ass reluctantly goes along with the explanation. The shark then kills a young boy swimming at the beach. His mother places a bounty on the shark, sparking an amateur shark-hunting frenzy and attracting the attention of local professional shark hunter cap'n dickassshittybitchholet, who offers to kill the shark for $10,000. Marine biologist peewee dildo examines bob's remains and determines that she was killed by a shark, not a boat.
A large tiger shark is caught by fishermen, leading the townspeople to believe the problem is solved.peewee asks to examine its stomach contents, but tits refuses. That evening, ass and peewee secretly open the shark's stomach and discover that it does not contain human remains. They head out to sea to find the shark, but instead find the wreckage of a boat belonging to local fisherman pishy dick. peewee explores the vessel underwater and discovers a sizable shark's tooth protruding from the damaged hull before he is startled by pishy's corpse, causing him to drop the tooth. Without evidence, tits refuses to close the beaches.
meanwhile, New Mexico State Police troopers asswipe and oprah winfrey discover a little girl in shock, wandering the desert near Alamogordo. They retrace her steps to a mobile home owned by an FBI agent named cordyceps, who was on vacation in the area with his wife and two children. The side of the trailer was ripped open from the outside, and the rest of the family is missing. The girl briefly responds when strange, distant sounds echo out of the desert on the wind.
More mysterious deaths and disappearances occur. A general store owner named penisy dildin is found dead; his store is also torn apart from the outside. No cash was taken from the register, but a barrel of sugar was smashed open. penisy's Winchester rifle was fired and is now twisted out of shape. asswipe leaves by car to check on the little girl and then make a report, leaving oprah to guard the store alone. oprah hears a strange, pulsating sound outside and leaves to investigate; off-camera gunshots are fired, the strange sound grows faster and louder, and oprah screams are heard.
A single, oddly shaped footprint is found near the trailer, and a plaster cast is made and sent to Washington, D.C.asswipe's boss later points out that penisy, a crack shot, had time to fire all his ammunition at his attacker. Even more puzzling is the coroner's determination of dildin's cause of death: a broken neck and back, skull fracture, crushed abdomen, and "enough formic acid in his body to kill 20 men."
ass and peewee are drugged and involuntarily detained by tits . They awake in a makeshift medical ward. They witness tits kill a kidnapped truck driver after tits informs him he is "not a match". tits secures a new male captive, Japanese tourist tom. The doctor explains that he is a world-renowned expert at separating Siamese twins, but dreams of making new creatures by sewing people together. He describes in detail how he will surgically connect his three victims mouth-to-anus, so that they share a single digestive system.
Afterass tries to escape and fails,tits explains that he had previously experimented with creating what he called a "three-dog", also joined mouth-to-anus. However, the three-dog died shortly after surgery.tits tells ass that one dog tried to escape and that dog became the middle, thus this caused the most pain to the dog and as punishment for her escape attempt, she will become the middle part of his centipede.tits performs the surgery, placing tom at the front, ass in the middle and peewee at the rear. During his procedure, he severs the ligaments in his victims' knees so they cannot stand and are forced to crawl, and connects the victims together in a line with their mouths surgically attached to the anus of the person in front of them.
Once the operation is complete, tits attempts to train his centipede as a pet, often belittling tom with racist insults and beating him with a crop when he becomes rebellious. When tom defecates, ass is forced to swallow his excrement while tits watches in delight. However, he eventually becomes irritated after being kept awake by the constant screaming of tom (who, as the front part of the centipede, has his mouth free and is still able to speak) and the realization that peewee is dying from blood poisoning. When two detectives, asswipe and, bob's wife visit the house to investigate the disappearance ass and peewee, tits comes to terms with an idea to add them as replacements for peewee in a new creation; a four-person centipede. He offers the two detectives drinks. They prefer coffee, but tits claims he only has water in which tits poisons with sedative in hopes to knock the two unconscious. After being given the water, the two detectives start becoming very suspicious when they recognize tits's very aggressive personality and the fact that he would not let them explore his house upon request. The detectives then seek out a search warrant in order to gain the rights to search his home. While the detectives leave tits's home, the victims attempt to escape. tom attacks tits in the process. Their attempt to escape ultimately fails. tom confesses to the doctor that he deserves his fate because he had treated his own family poorly during the years in his life, then commits suicide by slitting his throat with a glass shard.
years later,after peewee died,ass leads a mundane, timid life as a high school chemistry teacher. He lives in Albuquerque, New Mexico, with his pregnant wife, booty, and his son, ass Jr. , who has cerebral palsy. ass's life is further complicated when, on the day after his 39th birthday, he is diagnosed with stage-three terminal lung cancer. ass decides to enter the illegal drug trade to develop a sufficient inheritance for his family before he succumbs to his cancer. He uses his chemistry knowledge to cook remarkably potent methamphetamine, enlisting one of his former students, arsey.
The two attempt to sell their product to a drug distributor, weewee, who believes that ass is an undercover cop and attempts to kill him. ass manages to defend himself, killing wee and his accomplice. ass, deeply disturbed by the ordeal, breaks his ties with arsey. Upon returning home, ass and his family discuss long-term plans towards dealing with his cancer. While ass originally wishes to slowly succumb to his disease rather than suffering the side-effects of chemotherapy, his family eventually convince him to undergo treatment.
ass is offered financial assistance by his brother-in-law,schuck norris, who is a DEA agent, and from his wealthy former business partner clint eatwood, but turns down both offers. Instead, ass decides to return to producing meth, and tells his family that the money he earns is actually from eatwood. ass then convinces arsey that they should start selling their product to jose lopez de santos, a powerful but psychopathic drug distributor. The two begin to expand their operations by stealing a large drum of methylamine, thereby allowing them to produce large quantities of meth for lopez. ass begins to come to terms with his secret lifestyle, and creates the pseudonym "peewee herman" to conceal his identity.
while making meth, A freak hurricane hits Albuquerque causing man-eating sharks to be scooped up in water spouts and flooding the city with shark-infested seawater.ass sets out with his friends arsey and uberhaxornova to rescue his estranged wife,booty and son. He succeeds but his son is eaten by the sharks. The group meets up with mydick, the adult son of someone, who is in flying school. They decide to try to stop the threat of the incoming "sharknadoes" by tossing bombs into them from a helicopter.
As Nova prepares to throw one of the bombs, he falls out of the helicopter and directly into a shark's mouth. mydick is heartbroken. arsey is also lost in the storm. After Mydick lands on the ground, a flying shark plummets toward the remaining members of the group. ass jumps into its mouth with a chainsaw and cuts his way out. He emerges carrying an unconscious but miraculously unharmed Nova. mydick is reunited with Nova and ass makes love to booty.
After erasing all evidence linking them to the murder of the shark, ass resumes cooking meth starting a new operation when mike hawk joins ass as a distributor, although he distrusts their methylamine supplier ,Kelly Kake Kuter, a shipping executive with vagina, the parent company of the shark. green tea arranges for ass to go into business with burglars posing as a pest control company known as assy Pest, using the business' fumigation tent on random houses as a mobile laboratory.
long later,after leaving new mexico because of something, ass steals a car and returns to New Mexico. He coerces someone to use his drug money to create an irrevocable trust in favor of ass Jr. on his 18th birthday, and they will indicate it is their donation to ass's innocent children who had a monstrous father. He proceeds to purchase an M60 machine gun and recover the vial of ricin from his now abandoned house. He constructs a remote-activated machine that allows the M60 to fire unmanned. ass then visits booty and a gay lesbian and bids them farewell. ass meets 2 gay guys at a coffee shop to discuss a new business proposition. He previously laced the only packet of stevia sweetener in the container on her table with the ricin. a guy dismisses ass as she adds the ricin to her tea, while asking the waiter for more stevia. ass later confronts bob,who actually lived, and his gang at the compound. ass triggers the M60 mounted in the trunk of his car, which shoots through the wall and kills most of the gang members; however, bob is mortally wounded. Once the gunfire stops, ass strangles him with the chain of his handcuffs, finally breaking bob's neck. bob tries to dissuade ass from finishing him off, but is promptly shot dead mid-sentence. ass, having been hit by a ricocheting bullet from the machine gun, begins to bleed. He requests that someone kill him, as he now truly wants to die, but it refuses. someone drives away from the compound, cheering and crying with joy. ass walks to the lab, and smiles nostalgically as he takes a final look around. He leaves a bloody handprint on a chemical tank, then falls onto his back with a smile, dead. Police enter the lab moments after he collapses.