=========================================SEASON 1, EPISODE 6FACE IT ON YOUR OWN========================================= "RELEASE THE CRACKMAN!" yelled NFTS.
Crackman was jumping around in his cage, he was so excited for the battle, and they were releasing him! He unsheathed his swords and seeing the locks being opened, he stormed gate and ran out like a wild dog right into the chaos.
He saw soldiers who wore proper House Kenneth armor, but some of them had an emblem with a letter K sewn into clothes, probably in haste. TKA must have hired mercenaries for the battle. These were the ones he was supposed to fight. Mostly...
He slashed the first soldier with the sword in his left hand, then immediately pierced through the neck of the other one with the sword in his right hand without ceasing to run; he climbed onto the back of a surprised soldier and slit his throat, proceeding to jump onto another fighter who fell to the ground with a scream.
Crackman was grinning from ear to ear while he was standing over the soldier and started singing to no one in particular:
"
Arm yourself, because no one else..." Crackman thrust his sword into the soldier's abdomen, "
...comes to save you!"
He slashed the legs of another fighter who fell to his knees. "The odds will betray you!" Crackman both of his swords through the soldier's eyes. "
And I will replace yooouuuu!", he sang in a high-pitched voice.
Crackman turned to other military men. "
You can't deny..." an arm cut off, "
...the prize..." slashed throat, "
...it may never..." deep cut with insides pouring out, "
...fulfill you!" a jaw ripped off and it was still not enough for Crackman!
"
It longs to kill you..." he extended both his arms, still wielding swords, ran into the group of enemies and started spinning like a wheel very quickly "
...are you ready to die?" he cut everywhere with blood splattering all over him and people falling to the ground, dead.
"
The coldest blood runs through my veins..." he stopped spinning and threw one sword at a nearby soldier, impaling him. "
You know my... name!" Crackman sang at the top of his lungs. He closed his eyes for a second to savor the moment.
That was a mistake. Crackman didn't notice that an enemy knight threw a spear at him. Fortunately for Crack, the soldier wasn't the best shot, so the spear just grazed him in the arm.
Crack immediately turned around, ran towards the soldier and launched himself at him, pinning him to the ground.
The knight was absolutely terrified when Crackman opened his eyes really wide and bared his teeth. His voice sounded like a hiss of a snake.
"I'll rip of your dick, shove it down your throat and fuck you with it until you'll be squeaking and crying like a little bitch, begging for more" he said without blinking.
He moved his sword, covered in blood, between the soldiers legs.
"...and after that, I will make you eat it, motherfucker!"
Before he made the cut, however, he heard something nearby. He recognized the voices, but couldn't make out initially what they were saying. He raised his head.
"...you motherfucker!" yelled Zyphon angirly and waved his sword at Brotato, narrowly missing him. "I'll fucking make that grin of yours disappear once and for all, you son of a bitch!"
Crackman was already running towards Zyphon. Brotato was in trouble. He had to help him. Zyphon was the traitor... who would've expected that?
Brotato noticed Crackman speeding towards them. "Crack!" he yelled.
Crackman already raised his sword, and with a bloody roar he stabbed Zyphon repeatedly in the chest. A second or two have passed, blood was pouring out everywhere and Crack kept on screaming.
But before he could get up and resume fighting, Walter pierced Crackman's head with his sword so that his blade was sticking out of Crackman's mouth. He pulled his sword out and Crack's lifeless body fell to the ground, next to Zyphon.
"And thus, another legend ends" said Walter, tired. "He'll be remembered as Crackman The Barmy"
12 DAYS EARLIERIt was late in the evening. Brotato, Harp, Kat, Tom and Walter were at the local tavern, "Mechanical Gatsby", drinking beer. After the meeting at the castle was over, they invited Rock to join them, but he declined - politely, as usual - explaining that he might have discovered a new type of magic, but refused to answer their questions about its nature.
"
I can't tell you that, but you will know... in time" he said, in a dreamy-like voice before departing.
"
Besides, I sense that you won't be the only ones drinking beer tonight. A major force will share your feelings"
Harp looked at him inquiringly. "What do you mean by th--"
Before he got the chance to finish, however, Rock changed his pose, making it look like as if he was driving a horse, and with a loud "
Iiiiiiihaaaaaa!" he ran towards his house.
***
The place was filled with laughter and alcohol. After a while, the knights joined the rest of the citizens, trying to have fun as much as possible.
One, two, three, four, five!
Hunt the Hare and turn 'er down the rocky road..."
All the way to Wellington, whack follol de rah!", sang the members of the Order and emptied their mugs to the bottom.
Sitting comfortably in the tavern, the group started drinking heavily, cracking jokes and telling different stories about their adventures. What they didn't know was that Rock was right - in a distant land, at Howe's cemetery, Carlos - The Knight God - was streching his ectoplasmic bones. He woke up from his eternal slumber several hours ago, sensing danger. When nobody came to graveyard, he dismissed the thought as a trick his mind was playing on him. He wanted to go to sleep again, but not before doing something he didn't do in a long time.
"Walkers!" he roared. Out of blue, several rotten bodies started to dig through the surface of the soil. After several unsteady steps, they stood before their Master.
"I want a drink. I haven't had a fucking drink in a long fucking time" said Carlos. "Bring me some beer. No, not some. Lots of it. NOW!" he ordered them.
"Mwwwweeeeeeeeh", the walkers responded.
Back in Wellington, the group was already in better mood. Despite the fact that war was coming, they didn't seem to care about it - they tried to enjoy the moment.
"I'm just telling you guys what I've heard: it's the same as the length of the nose, only doubled" said Kat, laughing.
"That's bullshit!" said Walter.
"Yeah, you only say that because of that tiny thing between your cheeks!" laughed Harp.
"You smug son of a bitch" said Walter, annoyed. "You think that you're popular with the ladies because all of them were looking at your goddamn sniffler?"
"Well, it also might have something to do with the fact that I am the best archer in the entire kingdom" said Harp. "You know, many girls saw me practising... and they know that when I have a bow in my hands, I can be quite gentle... or rough" he grinned and winked his eye.
"Geez, stop that now, my belly hurts from the laughter" said Kat.
Meanwhile, at Howe's cemetery...
"Finally!" said Carlos, seeing that his servants brought some beer. "What took you so long?!"
The walkers poured him some beer into the glass. Carlos grabbed it and started drinking. He noticed, however, that something was wrong. He looked down. Of course, he was a ghost - and the liquid flew right through him.
"Oh, ME FUCKING DAMMIT!" he roared, and his voice reverberated throughout nearby lands. "Why didn't any of you remind me to take my corporeal form, you idiots?"
"Ehhhhhheeeeeeeeeeee", the walkers said.
"Well, what are you waiting for?"
The walkers started to tear out their limbs and combine them - hand with a hand, leg with a leg, head with a head - until they assembled a 13-feet-high body. Carlos entered it as if he was walking through the door, and after that the eyesockets of the body started to flash with a bright, green light. Carlos put on a black robe with a hood that walkers created from the pieces of clothing that remained in their graves.
"Now we're talking" said Carlos, now in a corporeal form.
***
"...and then I told him - it will be the last thing you'll ever see, you son of a bitch" said Harp. "And he did - I put two arrows in the bow and shot him. Both of them went through his eyes. That's how fucking good I am."
"That's fucking hilarious" said Brotato. "But answer me this, Harp: did anyone ever told you that only the worst cowards use bows? Because they are afraid of fighting anyone directly!"
"Oh yeah? I can get my sword at any moment and show you how afraid I am of fighting in a close combat!"
"Guys, don't start anything" said Kat.
"He's accusing me of being a coward!" protested Harp.
"Because archers ARE cowards!" yelled Brotato. "Motherfuckers, I'd kill them all, given the chance..."
"Bro, stop it" said Tom. "You have to let that go. You can't let that haunt you for your entire life!"
"How can you say that, Tom?!" said Bro as if he couldn't believe what he just heard. "How can I ever forget about that situation?"
"Oh for FUCK'S SAKE!" yelled Walter. "Can you please stop being so cryptic?! Just tell us what happened!"
"Walter!" hissed Kat. "What are you---"
"No, no, it's fine" said Brotato. "I will tell you"
"Are you sure?" asked Tom carefully.
"Yeah, I'm sure" muttered Brotato, dead-serious.
ONE YEAR EARLIERAs you know, our Order expanded the original Codex with The Book of Borderlands, as well as The Book of Thrones. What you don't know is that I was supposed to deliver these news to other Houses as quietly as possible - we weren't exactly sure how other Lords would react to this change. Some of them might have thought that only The Book of The Walking Dead should be of interest to our Order. You may ask, of course, "Why would they think that? It's not the first expansion of the Codex. The Book of Wolves was added some time ago and nobody protested". That's true - but you have to understand that The Book of The Walking Dead got an expansion on it's own - firstly, with Tales of 400 American Nights, and later with five additional Tales which created a new Book on their own. Wolves were a one time deal, unlikely to receive a continuation. But The Book of Borderlands and The Book of Thrones... that was completely different.
Many Lords didn't oppose to the change - they understood that expanding the Codex means expanding our influence - but there was one Lord who threatened to leave the Order after he heard the news. Yeah, you guessed who - Lord TKA of House Kenneth. After several hours of heated arguments and discussions, I persuaded him to remain in the Order, although he never fully acknowledged the new Books. And now, it looks like he is preparing himself for a war against us because of that...
After I left, I boarded the boat that was prepared for me - a gift from House Kenneth; they have a thing for boats, I guess - and departed for the headquarters of the continental rite of our Order. Two days later I was already on my way there, travelling through desolate lands and forests. And that's... that's when it happened.
I was riding on my horse through one of the forests when I've heard something moving between the trees. Normally I would say it was a fox or a deer, but the steps were way too heavy for a wild animal. I stopped, looking for the source of that rumbling. I went off my horse and unsheathed my sword. Something was clearly wrong in there. Suddenly, I saw ten archers walk from behind the trees, aiming their bows at me. I wasn't in a good position to do anything, so I slowly raised my hands.
"I am the messenger of the Grand Master NFTS. I am protected by the powers of OTWDF Order. Let me pass without any trouble" I said. They didn't move. I saw that they had a weird symbol on their clothes. I've never seen anything like that before.
I didn't have time to wonder about this, because I noticed that one of the archers started to smile.
"NOW!" he said. They all shot at me, and everything went dark.
The next thing that I've remembered was waking up in a place I've never seen before. Some sort of castle. I saw that nearly my entire body was bandaged. I was weak, I couldn't move a muscle, and it hurt like hell. After a while, I heard that there was some sort of noise outside, as if people were celebrating or something. I looked to my left and saw a man sitting by the desk, writing a letter. He noticed that I was awake.
"Well, you finally woke up, dear fellow" he asked. He had a smile on his face, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "I have to say, you were a mess when we found you. Well, you still are, but we're working on it"
"Where... where am I?"
"Well, stranger, you're at the office of the Lord of the OTWDF Order. Its continental rite, to be precise. Name's Tom, by the way." Yeah, that's when I met Tom. To be honest, I didn't know what to make of him. His eyes... I don't know, but something wasn't right about him.
"That's what you thought back then?" asked Tom.
"I did. And I wasn't unreasonable, right?"
"Okay, I'll give you this one"
"Can you tell me what happened?" asked Tom.
"I was travelling through the forest and got attacked by some strangers"
"They got you real good, I must say. You nearly died out there. If it weren't for my people who were nearby, you'd be dead by now"
"I fuckin' hate archers. I hate them with all my might. Fuckin' cowards, I would have cut them all down with my sword"
Tom didn't seem to be interested in my rant, apparently. "I didn't quite get your name"
"Uh... Brotato. I am also a knight to the Order"
"Well, well, what a coincidence" said Tom.
There was a silence in the room. I listened to the celebration outside and heard people singing.
"On bardzo zimy, ona gorąca,
On wcale nie chce, ona go trąca..."
"What are you celebrating?" I asked Tom.
"Oh, the townspeople are happy about the addition of Tales Fourth and Five to The Second Walking Dead Book. They're happy about Luke and Jade's... relationship" frowned Tom.
"Wait a minute, what were they singing about? We don't know Polish" said Harp.
"You know, maybe it's for the best this time" Tom responded.
"But..."
"Just let Brotato finish his story, alright?"
Tom looked at my arm.
"Care to explain what is this?" he asked.
I didn't know what he meant, but after a while I realized what he was asking about. There were three cuts on my arm and they formed a strange symbol - the same as the one on the clothes of my attackers.
Before I had a chance to explain, the door to the office opened and some sort of servant walked over to Tom.
"Łamignat jest gotowy? Wygląda na to, że to jeden z tych gości atakujących naszych w lesie" said Tom.
"Tak jest gotowy, będzie mógł go... przesłuchać" said the servant and left.
They didn't know that I know Polish too. They thought I was one of them... one of the attackers. Probably because of the symbol on my arm. These guys from the forest were attacking their townspeople. It sounded like they intended on torturing me for information.
"I don't know anything about that symbol, it wasn't there before."
Tom didn't even look at me. "Of course it wasn't"
I tried to get up. "I know you think I'm lying. I know your language. I'm Polish too"
Tom stood up and walked towards me, surprised.
"You think I'm one of them. I'm not. They cut this out... I don't know why! Maybe as some sort of warning?"
Tom seemed to be considering my point, but then...
"...I całe ciało na niego kładzie,
Ruszaj się, ruszaj się, ty stary dziadzie!"
Tom was furious. He opened the window and looked outside.
"CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?! I'M TRYING TO TALK HERE! ANY PERSON SINGING THAT SONG WILL BE KILLED ON SIGHT!" Boy, by the way he looked at that moment, I could tell he wasn't kidding.
When he came back, he seemed calm and collected. That didn't make ME anymore calm.
"This sign... it's aleph" said Tom. "We saw some strangers wearing that sign and attack our people. We don't know who they are. We were trying to figure that out and I kind of... hoped that you might be one of them"
"I'm sorry to fail your expectations, Tom"
"Well then, Brotato... if you are indeed the knight to the Order, then it seems reasonable to expect that you were supposed to deliver some news, right?"
***
"And the rest, as they say, is history" said Brotato.
"Well... did you ever find out who was behind the attack?" asked Harp.
Tom shook his head. "No. And the attacks stopped several months later. We didn't have any sort of lead to follow. The case died down. But right now..."
"You think that the attack was staged by TKA and this 'aleph' symbol was supposed to fool us all?" inquired Kat.
"Maybe. I don't know, to be honest" Tom scratched his head. "It's possible, but something doesn't fit. If TKA wanted Brotato dead, he would've killed him before he boarded the ship. But to follow him all the way to the continental rite?"
"Maybe he wanted to do it there, because Brotato's death on his land would be suspicios?" proposed Kat.
Everybody exchanged concerned looks.
"I don't know" said Brotato. "I just don't know"
There was a silence, until...
"Guys..." said Kat weakly. "My head is aching. I'm going home." She walked out of the tavern, swaying a little.
"Well, now that you mention it..." said Brotato. "I think I have to go to the restroom"
He tried to get up, but he only managed to rise a few inches and fell onto the bench again.
"You know what?" said Tom. "I rest my case." And with that, he hit his head on the table and started snoring.
Walter exchanged looks with Harp.
"I'm surrounded by fools through my entire life"
Walter nodded. After a while he reached with his palm towards Harp. "Hey, Harp. Pull on my finger!"
Harp facepalmed himself.
Meanwhile, at Howe's...
"I feel sooo lonely..." said Carlos on the verge of tears. "Why doesn't anyone come here? Since NFTS nobody even passed through... Who am I supposed to haunt?" he added, drinking the rest of his bear.
He talked to the walkers who just stared at him with empty eyes.
"But I have you, aren't I?" Carlos noticed. "You're all so faithfull to me. I can't even..." he started crying, "I can't even express... how much this means... to me!"
"Mwwweeeeeeeeeee" the walkers responded.
"Oh, that's right, you don't know what I'm saying..." Carlos howled like a wounded wolf. "But I still appreciate your... presence here"
He dried his eyes with his palm.
"If only you were women... or if I was swinging that way..." thought Carlos. "But you're not. And I don't swing that way" he howled once again.
"I... that's too much. I think... I think I'm going to sleep agai--" and with that, he fell to the ground - tired, sad, and lonely.
***
Next time on TFTWL:
In the flash-forward, Rock, Harp and Tom invade the headquarters of House Kenneth. They discover something so shocking that one of them will pay the ultimate price for that discovery. In the present, the preparations in the House Wellington are finished and an all-out war begins with an assault on House Kenneth's forces in an all-new Tales from the Wellingtonlands episode, "SMASHED ON THE PAVEMENT".